Guys. I have a confession to make. I have a yearly tradition, and I’m not going to lie. You’ll judge me.
Every year, I, Your Friend Em, has to watch the first episode of Big Brother.
I know, I know. Yes. I KNOW. But I have massive FOMO and I’m worried that they’ll actually make it good this year like the ads promise and all it takes is the first 97 seconds to make me realise that nope, I’ve been duped yet again, but by then I’m too far in and the housemate judgement has begun. Damn you, Channel Nine. *shakes fists*
But golly gosh I love watching those poor fools go in. I effing love the judgement. I sit on my couch and I say the snarkiest things about them behind their very backs, and because we’re friends now, I decided to write down all said snarky things so that we could all enjoy a little light entertainment on this, lets face it, rather windy Monday night.
So here it is folks. The Official Big Brother 2014 Housemate Judgement According to Em. Enjoy, kids x
So, first we meet Priya. She’s Indian. We know this because the wardrobe department have chosen to dress her in traditional Indian attire and thank goodness they have because HOW ELSE WOULD WE KNOW THAT SHE WAS INDIAN?!?! I can only assume they’ll have the rest of the contestants pop out in a wife beater and thongs so we, the feeble audience, will clearly know that they are ‘Strayan.
(Fun fact: Priya is also the name of the Indian chick Leonard dated a few seasons ago on the Big Bang Theory. Expect Channel Nine to get a few more miles out of those re-runs for the next few months, folks.)
Sonia comes on and explains that she’s the first house mate/house leader/blah blah/power to change the game/blah blah blah/huge decision to make/The Power and I get up to make a tea because let’s be honest folks, none of us actually care how this thing works.
She has to pick a partner, and she’ll be presented with two options – one of which is a good match and one of which is a bad match according to the Big Brother Psychology-o-Meter. (read: they made them all take the same quiz outta the back of Dolly magazine.) She rejects Jake and opts for Katie so that means Katie gets to run down the catwalk in a flurry of giggles and curls. They’re introduced by Sonia. Oh holy sweet mother of all that is pizza, this is awks. Small talk ensues. More awks.
Katie’s clearly been studying her Big Brother etiquette and has opted for the ‘brilliant blindingly white because I’m going to be on tee-vee’ shade during her recent teeth whitening appointment. I really, really hope there’s a black light in the house. She tells us she’s recently lost 13 kilos and suddenly we all realise why she’s put her hand up to be on national TV because it’s just soooo time consuming to have to go around and show every boy who’s ever rejected you in the past that you’ve got a banging new body, am I right ladies??
And just like that, Priya Koothrappali and Colgate Katie are in the house. And wow. So that’s like, where all the flamingos in Australia went. (Guys. Burn it. Save, like, one flamingo, and burn the WHOLE HIDEOUS SEQUINNED MESS OF A HOUSE DOWN. Actually on second thoughts, don’t. That’s a lot of polyester to release into the environment.)
There’s some big circle cylinder thingo in the middle of the pool. I guess that’s where the evicted housemates go to get their lethal injection after they’re voted out, right?
Katie immediately starts looking for champagne. I change my mind and decide to like her.
Rejected Jake is from Bris-Vegas. He has the same temperament as my puppy, except Diesel sleeps sometimes and doesn’t squeal the word ‘super’ anywhere near as often. Dude. Do you need, like, a horse tranquiliser??
He’s clearly the Channel Nine plant because the wardrobe department ran out of budget to buy him a real legit outfit, so they just fashioned him a shirt outta that horrendous wallpaper on the stairs. HOW BOUT SOME MORE FLAMINGOS, BB?? This is almost as bad as the time the 90’s went all gaga for sundried tomatoes.
Sonia’s talking to him but I’m too busy humming along to Johnny’s Touch of Paradise to pay any attention. ‘Flamingos walk, and sway in peace….’
Jake Farnham picks Gemma the Netballer to be his partner and just as I’m about to wonder if Holly from The Bachelor has just dyed her hair and jumped networks, it’s all NOPE – she’s about 100ft tall. Seriously. 6 foot 6 or something like that and so the producers put her in heels and the world’s biggest hair just so she doesn’t stand out. Liz Ellis actually seems somewhat normal. Nervous, but with some actual grasp of how to be a functioning member of society. So there’s no point getting to know her, because she’ll be voted out Week One. Buh-bye Liz.
Jake Farnham rejected poor David-with-a-beard, so he’s up next, and fittingly the production department have chosen to set his video highlight montage to Vance Joy’s Riptide. Because hipster, orright.
Apparently Dave-tide’s beard smells great. We’re not convinced. He has never been in a relationship, despite being 31, and when he starts talking about all the things he’s seen in ‘rear passages’ it all starts to make sense. (OH RELAX very right now. I mean because he’s a radiologist and he has to work long hours, orright??) He seems more protective of his beard than I am of my new Michael Kors handbag and you just KNOW that his future in the house will depend on BB making him shave it off at some stage. He’ll be fine in the house – yunno, if BB has remembered to stack the kitchen with jam jars because how else will he drink his boutique beer??
He picks Sandra to be his partner-in-crime-but-not-in-the-bedroom because she makes it clear that she’s not into beards within about 36 seconds of hitting the stage. BB production department breathe a sigh of relief that there’s no BB Up Late to cut together this year. Sandra’s clearly going to get a promotion at work when she gets back because of all the free plugs she managed to get for Bonds and thus no longer gives two hoots about winning this thing. She tries to win us over with 17 doses too many of quirk and fun (‘I overdose on erotic novels AHAHAHAHAHA.’) and immediately #WHYYOUSOANNOYING is trending across Australia. If the Bonds marketing team don’t immediately take out the top tier advertising package with BBAU, they’re effing nuts, because you just know this chick is gonna revive the Bum Dance a la Sara-Marie in her boylegs. Oh Sandra-Marie. You’re going to piss us all off, aren’t you?
Finally we meet Dion. I mean, I was so concerned there was not going to be a gym-junkie-I-don’t-like-people-who-are-lazy type in the house this year and golly gosh darn, we’ve just hit the jackpot with The Dion. The chicks in the audience lose their bananas, and somewhere, a Channel Nine Digital intern has hit the jackpot with the Pun Of The Night ‘we know you are Dion to meet this housemate!’ on Twitter. They put a little winky smiley emoticon at the end, and I weep silently on the couch for the future of my industry. According to The D, ‘people who go out and drink a lot don’t respect themselves’. HA. Just you TRY surviving three months in that gaudy disco land without booze, D. JUST YOU TRY. Cue three months of him without a shirt on in the gym. #snooze
He picks fabulous Jason to be his partner, and I’m furiously Googling to see if Channel 9 has made a typo. Surely its spelled ‘Jayson’?? Jayson is a real estate agent and promptly displays evidence of his real estate mad-skills by calling an auction. Backwards. Yunno, as in, the bids are getting smaller. Perhaps things are touch different in Canberra? I’m pretty sure that due to the pre-9pm start time, Channel 9 aren’t allowed to tell us that his gay, but never fear, the wardrobe department are on hand to help us out by popping Jayson in a pink shirt just so we get the hint and the Big J makes sure to throw a few ostentatious hand gestures around. Jay’s chosen to differentiate himself by appearing on stage, flamingo-free. Controversial.
Then we get to meet Skye. Sorry, ‘Skye, Skye’. So glad they finally got someone who breaks the Gold Coast mould AMIRIGHTFOLKS?? Ha. Jokes. I shall further dub her Brynne Day-Knight. She breaks the ice by immediately calling Sonia ‘MILFY’ and the Australian public crash the BB website trying to find the number to vote her out of the country.
Sonia explains the concept of the partner system. ‘You have to play as a pair. That means there will be two of you’. Clearly the Channel Nine team have paid attention to The Bachelor and the need to explain complex maths such as this to contestants. She’s also no longer using words with more than two syllables, because moron.
After much agonising, Brynne picks Lisa because Travis doesn’t like people who are attention-seekers and she’s only perceived as an attention seeker ORRIGHT GUYS??? And also, she can probably spell Lisa.
TAB SportsBet immediately offers up a $1.01 return on her being the first one to sob hysterically in the Diary Room and I’m waiting to see if they can give me something good on the odds she’s not actually 20 years old.
Lisa swans down the runway (hey…wait just a minute. ARE THEY FLAMINGO SHORTS?!?!) in a flurry of balayage and as her package plays out and she laughs about how all her friends are having babies and she’s just pouring herself another glass of wine I realised that yes. I’m Lisa. Jeebus. She’s Em-From-Sydney. Oh my word, her eyebrows are ON POINTE. WHO DOES YOUR EYEBROWS, LISA?!?
Brynne and Em-from-Sydney have entered the house. Their microphones are pink because on Mondays, we wear pink.
I have just one word for Travis. YOU ARE NOT THE ITALIAN STALLION. (ok, that’s like six, but it’s not as if he can count anyway, right??) #AllTheNope. Oh and he is from Victoria. Awesome. Representin’ my state. Thanks for that Channel Nine production department. And the wardrobe department have put his snap back on back-to-front just so we know that we’re not actually supposed to take him seriously. He seems to know three words of actual legit Italian. His mother apparently wants him to ‘come home with a girlfriend, I think she wants grandkids’. Dear Lord. Please do not let this man breed. #EndOfTheHumanRace.
Poor Travvy-Hatsis doesn’t get to pick his own partner, yunno because much like the kickball team when you were 8, all the good kids have already been picked.
Meet Ryan. I think he goes to the Osher Gunsberg School of Hair. He has an ‘understanding of women’. DUDE. If you understood anything about women, you’d know that we stopped swooning over the Leo Dicaprio hair flick in, oh I don’t know, 1997. Ryan-Dicaprio is surprisingly the only muscle tank of the night. The Dion is not going to be happy with this. I mean, isn’t he the one bringing the gun show??
Sonia declares this partnership a good one according to the BB psychological testy thingo and the crowd make the obligatory ‘ooohhhhh’ sound. Mostly because they are thankful that Travvy-Hatsis and Ryan-shoulda-cut-my-hair-in-97-Rio are both men, and thus cannot breed, bringing forth the super bogan who will officially signal the end of the human race. Phew. I decide to call them Tryan.
And with that, everyone is in the house. Predictably there’s hugs all around and one of the Tryans notes Gemma-Ellis’ height. ‘Ohhhh YOU’RE SO TALL.’ Dear Lord, these two will out-last the cockroaches in a nuclear blast, won’t they??
Sonia comes back on stage and it’s all blah blah blah/power play/blah blah/power couple/blah blah/making a big decision/blah blah/power room, but lets face it we stopped listening the first time she started rabbiting on about couples and playing the game together. We only came to make snap judgements about people we just met, so ladies and gees, our work here is done.
OH WAIT. WE JUST GOT OUR VERY FIRST ‘LETS LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST’ TOAST. We’re not even two hours in. Bravo Tryan. Oh this is gonna be fun/detrimental to ‘Straya’s already tarnished international reputation.