Sonia keeps making storm references. I’m jumping on the theme bandwagon, folks…
Annnnnd we’re back. Night Two comin’ atcha folks. It seems only fair that the four newbies that are about to catwalk their way onto the D-List receive their 15 minutes of spiteful fame right here on According to Em, and truthfully I’m actually a leeeeettle bit curious to see if India and Colgate Katie take the $10k. DAMN YOU AND YOUR CLIFFHANGERS CHANNEL NINE.
As is The Law of Reality TV, we’re going to spend half of tonight’s episode recapping what happened last night. Which means we’re going to agonise with our heroes, as they bravely debate money versus food. I’m surprised there’s no video montage already, this is freaking Sophie’s Choice.
Outside the Power whatever Room, Gemma Ellis is discussing her life outside of the house. At least, I think she is because those Channel Nine production folk have edited out anything and everything that isn’t relationship related, because ratings. (and if we learned anything from The Bachelor, it’s that stories about being a netballer are really, really boring. Soz Holly.)
Apparently Gem and Dan, Her Love-Dawg (nope, not his real name. I’m so bored already I’m making up names for everyone’s outside family and friends) broke up after 8 years because the romance just wasn’t there anymore (read: he wanted to sleep with other people), but they’ve totes remained friends. Best friends. (read: he still wants to be able to booty call her at 2am in the morning when he’s pulled donuts from Eve Nightclub) MOVE OVER THE NOTEBOOK, THIS IS HOW YOU DO ROMANCE.
We flick back to our heroes, The D and Jayson, bravely battling it out in ‘the cold’ in the fishbowl. Thou were banished last night, and tragically, are still in there. It’s closing in on TEN WHOLE HOURS AND IT’S STARTING TO RAIN. Oh someone please start the Change.org petition already. #SaveDAndJayson
Weak with hunger and with the delirium of prolonged exposure to the ‘elements’ Jayson does mumble that the rain is ‘penetrating the zip’ and I have suddenly justified four hours of my life watching this nonsense. PACK UP THE HOUSE AND SEND EVERYONE HOME, JAYSON HAS JUST WON BIG BROTHER. #CallOfTheSeason
And OH MY GOD JUST TAKE THE EFFING MONEY ALREADY.
Brynne Day-Knight is upset that Gemma Ellis thinks she’s as deep as a ‘paddle pool’. She promptly heads to the Diary Room and cries. This would be the part where I get all high horsey about how I called it 20-mother-effing-hours ago, but it seems a little like a hollow victory. (Kind of like beating Richmond…AMIRIGHT PORT ADELAIDE??) Lisa does tell her not to take it ‘too laterally’ and grammar decides to go on a vacay. Because he’s clearly not gonna be needed for the next three months.
We then spend what feels like 18 hours interviewing the housemates in the Diary Room. What do you think about your partner/who do you think wont get along/what is your partner like/who wont be friends/blah blah blah/#snooze. Everyone knows that this early in the competition everyone is still in the BFF zone. I’m gonna need a drink. Just get to the new folk already, Sonia. YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE.
We cut back to the housemates. Travvy-Hatsis manages to use the word ‘youse’ three times in the one sentence and everyone applauds his bogan mad-skills. I’ve never seen such skilled Youse craftsmanship and I can’t believe Travvy-Hatsis has waited until now to share his gifts with us all.
Finally, after what feels like seventeen years, a half marathon and two Christmases, it’s time to meet our new folk. (I’m three glasses of red wine down already and so bored, I’m considering the Crozzle out of NW magazine as a legitimate entertainment choice.)
First up is Sam. He’s a Paralympian who is so cute and modest and fun and normal and ohemgee what are you doing going into this cess-pool of abs and fake tan, Sam?? WHY WHY WHY??
He struts down the cat walk, in a simple black tee and jeans, and I’m already wondering if he’s prefer a big wedding in the city or if we should just elope. Malaysia is supposed to be gorgeous, Sammy.
Sam doesn’t get to pick his partner. Big Brother has already picked who my future husband will be paired up with…and all I can say is that they better be fat, male and ugly, or ELSE. *shakes fists*
And then we get to meet Sam’s partner, Cat, and all of a sudden I’ve cancelled the Em and Sam Save the Date cards because these two have won the genetic jackpot and HOLY CRAP THEY WOULD HAVE CUTE BABIES. She’s pretty and smiley and fun and normal and her only ‘weird’ thing is that she’s divorced, aged 31. Seriously? Is that the best we can do??? She’s a midwife (aka, she has a real job), she can talk eloquently on stage and she flashes her cute smile in a completely appropriate and fashionable outfit. The digital interns at Channel Nine lose their shit and start flooding Twitter with Cat puns BECAUSE HER NAME IS LIKE THE ANIMAL, GUISE!!! If #meow starts trending, I will actually give up wifi for life.
WHAT’S WITH ALL THE GORGEOUS, FUN NORMAL PEOPLE, BIG BROTHER?? This isn’t nearly as much fun as picking on those fools last night.
Third Newbie for tonight is self-confessed Door Bitch, Aisha. We apparently ran out of
morons desperate enough good talent in Australia, so we had to borrow her from Nu Zulund, although her bio assures us that she is totes from Sydney now, folks. *coughs* bullshit *coughs* Door Bitch’s montage is full of videos of her lounging around in her underwear because she has a banging body and with Zoo Magazine no longer being in circulation, her future magazine double spread is no longer guaranteed upon exiting the house. 16 year old boys around Australia sob into their couch cushions. This is a truly difficult time for us all.
Aisha is paired with Lawson. He’s a magician. Who is apparently the reason why magic is back in fashion which is exactly the same thing anyone who wears Crocs reels out on a yearly basis to justify the crime against fashion that is on their feet. (YOU OWN CROCS, DON’T YOU LAWSON?!?!)
Door Bitch and Lawson make really cute small talk as they introduce themselves and I note that Lawson is actually better looking in real life than his video montage so bravo, Lockdown Makeover Crew.
Oh, wait. Lawson just made a joke about putting a baby in Sonia’s belly and offers to warm Door Bitch up and the crowd laughs awkwardly to avoid freaking out Creepy McStalker and suddenly we’re all glad he’s going into a locked house, full of cameras, for the next three months.
Our four new friends then enter the house to a flurry of OHEMGEE NICE TO MEET YOU/I’M FROM NEW ZEALAND/SQUEAL/NICE TO MEET YOOOOOUUUU/MORE SQUEALS and I’m thankful that’s over because I really can’t take anymore of Sonia’s ‘storm’ puns.
Side note: did anyone else notice that Gemma said that they’d been in there two days already? PLOT HOLE, CHANNEL NINE. #TheMagicOfTV
And India and Colgate Katie took the money. But we lost interest half an hour ago.
Still catching up? Catch up on the other 12
fools talented folks in last night’s recap.