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Everything I know about productivity.


Hint.  It’s not a lot.  You should most definitely ignore all of the below and scamper off and read a Sheryl Sandberg book or something.  


Here’s the thing, friends.  I like things to happen.  And if they don’t, I like to make things happen.  And if I can’t make things happen that makes me more frustrated than that time Diesel’s favourite toy got stuck under the coffee table and we were too busy drinking wine with Mum to notice his distress.

But boy oh golly gosh darn.  Sometimes, despite all my grand plans to become Supreme Overlord of the Universe, I just can’t be bothered.  Can’t be bothered to finish that project at work despite actually, legitimately, really loving my job.  (Dear Emma’s Boss Missy. Please note that the first sentence was for the purposes of telling a great story and some creative journalistic license was taken.  Of course I promptly and efficiently finish all tasks assigned to me, with strategic and professional integrity.  This is purely hypothetical.  Please don’t fire me.)  Can’t be fagged going for a run even though I know I WILL DIE IN THE HILLS OF PORTLAND IF I DON’T.  Can’t be bothered to put on real people pants despite knowing that boys don’t like girls who wear track pants with what I’m fairly certain is chocolate ice cream stains on them. (No.  Wait.  They’re most definitely from last Friday’s spaghetti.) Can’t be assed writing anymore blog posts, because how will I know what Spice Girls song defines my life if I didn’t stop right now and take the Buzzfeed quiz.  (oh hahaha.  I saw what I did there.  Totally unintentional and if you still can’t figure out exactly what I’m talking about, I’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore and you need to give me back that pink jumper I leant you and leave right now.)

But if, hypothetically, sometimes you struggled to put the Pro in Productivity (which would make it ‘ductivity’ and everyone knows that that’s the worst kind of being slack and lazy there is…) here’s a few little pointers I’ve learned the hard way.  More than once.  Ok, ok, things that I know I should be doing but don’t always… (I’ll take my own advice eventually.)


Routine doesn’t even need to take the stand.  It’s guilty of killing productivity.

Remember that person who got up every morning and ate the exact same breakfast before skipping off to the same job where he did the same thing before going home to eat the same breakfast, who changed the world??  (Hint: you dont because they’re less real than a pack of leprechaun hunting unicorns, incase you somehow missed my scathing sarcasm.)

It’s like that dude said – the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result.  Whoever that dude was – SMART MAN.  (But not brilliant, because a brilliant man woulda gotten himself a decent PR manager to make sure we all remembered who the heck he was.)

Routine puts us into auto-pilot.  It’s the very reason why I’ve driven all the way to work and found myself in the car park even though I knew that I had an off-site meeting with our agency that morning.  Crap gosh darn it.  Because I got in the car at the same time, in the same way and so my fuzzy pre-coffee brain did the exact same thing that it is used to doing.

Routine breeds complacency.  And boredom.  There are no limits to what I can achieve when I’m energised and excited about a new project, but when I’m sick of the same old, same old, you’ll probably find me avoiding anything resembling efficiency.  (on the couch with the dog and a bag of chips, watching re-runs of Gossip Girl.)  If you’re struggling to stay focused, you need to shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture.  (Your life.  Not an actual picture. Unless you’ve just taken a polaroid, and in that case, do carry on.)


Joining a Facebook group about productivity is like buying a chair about jogging.

Oh dear, do not tell the Facebook overlords I uttered those words.  They’ll remove my social media guru license quicker than you can say ‘it was just the one time Zuckerberg, I promise, and it meant nothing!’

But social media is basically the worst invention to efficiency since that snake game we all had on our Nokia’s circa 1999.  Just as you’re about to get stuck into what you actually really need to do, BAM.  Someone likes one of your photos and is that a picture of that guy you dated last February with a new girlfriend and a baby and I really should do some light stalking to see if that’s his baby and oh em gee there’s a whole album of their holiday in Europe and before you know it, you’ve lost most of your dignity and two hours of your life.  But hey, looks like that friend you went to Uni with is having a really great time skiing in New Zealand.

Shut down your browser and log out of the Crack-book.  The 64 photos of your friends baby at the park will still be there later, promise.  And your cows wont perish.  Trust me.  (unless they’re actual real life cows and in that case what are you still doing here reading?!?  GO FEED YOUR COWS.)

And if you really truly can’t trust yourself, trust Google.  If you use Chrome, you can download a Nanny plugin, who’ll keep a sneaky eye out for your attempts to log into ol’ Facey and deliver you up an ‘access denied’ message with a side helping of shame.  BECAUSE DON’T YOU HAVE WORK TO DO?


Just do it.  #JDI

Some people ‘borrow’ stationary from their work place.  I’m just going to borrow the whole darn brand proposition. #badass

Here’s the thing.  Our brains are jerks.  They build up the idea of something (say, lugging your ice cream loving ass down to the gym) as the worst thing since the time you got horrendously sunburnt on Day One of a two week beach holiday.  (Pro Tip: that suntan oil is always a bad idea.)  And so you avoid it.  Oh boy, the excuses I can come up with on the car ride home to avoid exercise.  I think I’m coming down with a cold.  I need to wash my hair.  My dog will be lonely.  Oh, yes I am definitely getting sick, should go home and rest up.

But let me share a little secret with you, dear friends.  The actual worst part about going for a run is the part where you have to put your gear on.  Once you’re out there, cruisin’ along with a little bit of RiRi in your ears, suddenly you can’t understand what all the fuss was about.  Much ado about nothing, much?!?

Because sometimes, you just have to bloody well do it, and before you know it, it’s done.  (Yes, yes.  That was more ‘tough love’ than ‘lightbulb, life changing nuggets of wisdom’ but sometimes I need to tell it like it is.  Also, that top you wore out last weekend looked terrible.  Sorry.)  And sometimes you just have to plug through that to-do list and it’s going to feel like pulling teeth and you’ll hate every minute of it, but at the end.  It’s done.  Celebratory hot jam donuts for everyone!

Time to roll, rockers.  This world ain’t gonna conquer itself.  (I wonder if I’ll get a crown or somethin’?)

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