…to apologise for the interruption in regularly scheduled blogging.
Oh what a right royal jerk I’ve been, dear friends. I set up this fancy pants new blog, wow you all with my words and pretty pictures, and then bugger off for two whole weeks and leave you wondering what you did wrong. I mean, WHY WASN’T I CALLING??? Should you call me? Should you send a text? How about if you send a text and then pretend it was meant for someone else just so it seems like you’re cool, and totes not just sitting around waiting to hear from me because you have loads of cool and awesome people in your life. Was it because you made that bad joke about cardigans? It was, wasn’t it? Why oh why do you always do that – the stupid jokes when you’re nervous.
Guys, it’s not you, it’s me.
Seriously. I had all of these grand plans of bringing my laptop (check) because I’d be sitting by the pool drinking cocktails and blogging my amazing sunshine-y adventures (yunno, for all six of you fans back home to follow along). Pretty simple, eh? ‘Cept when I got to the pool all of a sudden the only thing I managed to have anytime for was drinking those scrumptious gin and watermelon cocktails and holy-smokes-is-that-the-time-already-best-go-and-have-a-shower-so-I-can-go-out-for-dinner-and-more-cocktails-and-I’ll-totally-blog-tomorrow-promise. And, well, we all know how well that plan worked out.
So sorry. It’s not that I don’t love or care about you all, it’s more that I basically have spent the last two weeks being drunk and tanning and giving all of my money to the fine folk of Beverley Hills. Because shopping. Lesson learned.
I’m not going to lie, friends, because BFF’s tell each other the truth all the time, even if we don’t always call when we say we will (again, sorry #mybad), the last two weeks flitting around in the Cali sun has been some of the bestest vacay time I’ve ever had in my whole wide entire life and I’m going to spend the next few weeks bragging to y’all about all of my favouritest adventures. And, if you think about it (just not too hard, because we’ve just come back from holidays and we need to ease ourselves into this thinking and using our brain business….) it’s the best of both worlds, because you can hear about all these amazing adventures, without getting your jealous pants on because it’s on a time delay. You already know I’m back in the office all depressed about the fact that holiday time is over and I HAVE TO GO DO MY REAL ACTUAL JOB NOW, FOR SERIAL??
So, get into your very best listening outfit (you know, the one with the pink dots on it that makes you look really skinny and pretty), and get ready for some super cool Emma Takes LA And Portland Fun Times. Oh it’ll be a wild ride.
The good thing is, that travel is an educational experience. Like, for example, I learned that I cannot be fagged blogging while drinking by the pool. Good to know. I also learned some other auh-mazing and worldly life tidbits, and so, to leave you all, let me impart some wisdom. Let’s title it: ‘Stuff Em Learned About Travelling While Travelling’. (Oh, it can be a working title, orright. I’m too jet lagged to think of anything remotely sassy at the moment.)
SELATWT #1: There’s a reason why they give you the wine for free on planes. It’s not even close to being worth the hangover.
SELATWT #2: The score level of your seats on the plane will be in direct inverse pre-portion to the number of screaming kids in that very same area. Managed a window, in the bulkhead, with the complimentary wifi? Oh I hope you like two year old twins. With ear infections. Who are teething. And have colds. And energiser batteries for lungs.
SELATWT #3: When you’ve had about 45 minutes sleep in the last 36 hours and have been from plane to plane to plane, don’t watch the final How I Met Your Mother Episode. I mean, it made you sob while you were well rested and lucid, you fool! Factor in the ‘My Holiday Is Ending’ sads and you’re basically a blubbering mess on the plane, and the worst thing is, you’re too tired to care who is judging you. Even that cute boy in 37G. He’s probably got an ugly girlfriend anyway, right?
SELATWT #4: Out of the clothes you wear on holidays, 20.2% of it will be what you brought with you. The other 79.8% will be items purchased on said vacay. All of which will be completely impractical for your real life. You’ll try to incorporate, oh say that gorgeous felt hat you wore every damn day, into RL clothes, but the cold honest truth is that what happens on holidays should stay on holidays. Particularly fashion. Especially fashion.